Who would have thought they’d make yet another Tomb Raider game right? Then again, with the franchise being as lucrative as it is, who would’ve thought they wouldn’t have?
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Official Title(s): Tomb Raider: The Geriatric Chronicles
Copyright: © 2010
Company: Square Enix
Platform(s): PC
Genre(s): Action, 3rd Person Adventure
Synopsis:
Tomb Raider: The Geriatric Chronicles takes place in the not-too-distant future. Lara Croft is an old woman of 65 now. She receives a letter from the prime minister of Britain begging her to help them retrieve an artefact known as the Amulet of Persephone. Apparently it was created long ago by an alien race residing on Earth and hidden in the catacombs beneath Stone Hinge. The amulet has been cursed by an evil galactic magic and will bring about the destruction of the planet unless it is worn once every thousand years. This was a failsafe by the aliens to destroy their enemies in the event of an invasion. Now Lara must grab her walking stick and backpack to embark on a mission to safe the planet. However there are lots of unanswered questions still lingering and as the truth slowly reveals itself, Lara is forced to make a difficult decision.
Review:
Storyline: 1/5 – The storyline stinks of regurgitated faeces. There’s nothing original in it and at times it feels far too contrived.
Characters: 2/5 – While the NPCs are relatively realistic, Lara isn’t. In fact she never has been anything more than a pair of breasts for 20 year old virgins to gawk at and now that those breasts are saggy, she’s got about as much appeal as two bags of sand attached to tape recorder.
Gameplay: 2/5 – The movement’s as sticky as the first game. The puzzles are repetitive and the variety of enemies and weapons are poor for a game of this era. The most interesting aspect to the game is the addition of a card game that the ghosts that haunt the catacombs play because you can actually have a lot of fun gambling for items. Sadly, this soon becomes as boring and repetitive as the rest of the game.
Graphics: 5/5 – The graphics are mind-blowing. The game uses no pre-rendered graphics, relying solely on the game engine for everything including cut-scenes. The detail is very impressive too as you can make out each individual wrinkle on Lara’s face and if you look close enough by zooming in, you can notice a tiny balding patch on her head.
Soundtrack: 1/5 – The soundtrack has a lot of nice music including performances from many international artists. Sadly, the usage of the music is abominable. I did not enjoy listening to “Nemo” by Nightwish while in a fight to the death with the resurrected corpses of Celtic warriors. It only gets worse from there.
Replayability: 1/5 – You’ll never want to replay the game if you even want to finish it! This is one of the biggest abominations ever.
Overall Enjoyment: 0/5 – There is none aside from giving it as a Christmas gift to somebody you really hate.
Key: 5.Excellent 4.Good 3.So-so 2.Poor 1.Awful 0. Terrifyingly bad
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